11. Far from anything

I don't actually think I've really improved. I had a nice time of not crying for a while, but ended up doing so. And then I cried over how pathetic I was in being unable to just get over it.

God, I just want to end this charade soo badly. I think I just want to confront him with the fact that he used me. I don't if that's a good idea, but maybe I just want to know how he would react. And what he has to say to that. Or even the best would be some justification that he acknowleges using me. I don't know what I want. Although, I think I know that part of the problem is that I still find myself somehow still attracted to him. I think I like him too much, that in this state, if I started to hear how he's seeing another girl, I would go home and cry. I would cry because it wasn't me. I would cry because of the fact that he's all fine now and I have nothing. And I would cry at being so pathetic.

I know that he'd promised nothing. But even as a friend, I don't know if I could go on as such. He said he didn't want to wreck the friendship, but in my view, its been wrecked already. It was killed the moment that we started to fool around. I don't know if he knows he's wrecked it or hurt me. I think I would also like to know that too.

What I think I need to is too 1) Acknowledge that hoping for a relationship is a killer. 2) Give those who like me a chance and stop comparing them to him. 3) In addition to that, stop imagining what it might have been because it is not going to happen, ever. 4)Perhaps, just stop being friends. 5) Find someone who appreciates me, even as a friend and good enough not to hurt me.

God, I am soo pathetic. Hit me. I think I also have to find some new crush to crush on. I'm so bored, I want uni to start so I can meet new people. That's probably a reason as to why I can't get over this soo easily, because I have too much time to dwell on it.

He is a jerk. Jerk, jerk jerk, but he's such a nice guy.... I'm soo blinded because I still like him. I suck. Maybe being so bitter, I just him too see me out with someone that appreciates me and who I'm infatuated with. Just to show him what he missed out on. He never gave me a chance.