15. The Phrase that Turns in My Head

I know what I can't get over - still. It's the fact that I know that I wasn't good enough for him. He had said (although, who knows the truth to this statement) that he liked me but couldn't imagine us going out.

You can like people. Admire them and if so, pluck up the courage to ask them out. You never hear of people going around telling people that they like you, spend time with you and then go I can't imagine us 'formally' going out. It's a different thing to say that you're not the type to fool around, do it and then say that you can't imagine us together - giving the impression, for one to only conclude that they weren't simply good enough. Not good enough to bother further.

It's a lost cause.

I wasn't good enough - cuts into me deeply. I just can't stop thinking about it. I just want it to stop. Make it stop. I'm a victim of my own naivety too.

14. Aftermath of a Good night out

I think I had recovered well, almost to the end - until yesterday night. I had made it pretty obvious with all my trying to get away and being distant and all. (Which made me realise what a coward I could consider to be.) But sometimes it seems he's cottoning on...good.

Went out last night and the party was fun. I got along well without said person who was also there. But then there were things that got brought up again with comments and actions of people that's just made me all emotional again. I went there, pretty much with the thought in my mind of just not caring what he does and what time he was going there and just going to make some new friends and have plain fun.

Eventually we'd met up because of mutual friends who I'd been talking to earlier. But the thing was, I pretty much paid all my attention to other people than him and I dunno, did he expect me to flirt in the same way as I would with others? Which lead him to to a very attention seeking thing of picking me up only to place me on someone's (who's got a girlfriend) lap for no apparent reason - and we were all like - what the? - must be that he was drunk. Then after some more dancing, a friend mentioned how 'into' me he was, and I shouted over that I don't care, but I just couldn't help thinking how falttering. And - well the point of this was as I briefed earlier - why does he expect me to pay attention to him? I'm ignoring you so, why on earth would I dance with you - plus if I were to flirt with you what a blatant waste of effort would that be!? And later, when he'd said goodbye to leave (to go elsewhere), I had pushed him away pretty much, because I got so bothered over the whole thing.

I wasn't too pleased about the ideas that people might have of us. It's because I just really want to get over this and with people with the wrong ideas - it's just really shitting for me. AND I'm not going to be a wingwoman or whatever anytime soon, because I don't deny I am bitter and twisted.

I guess the consolation was after we'd left and was walking to transport, we had stopped to talk to some friends we bumped into and then I saw that said person had wandered from where we came and sat down alone around on the decks near the water. Perhaps he couldn't get into the other club he was headed off to....whatever.

But really, for me to be all huffed up about it means I've only stopped appearing that I cared. But I think it may be obvious on my part that I do. I just want this to end - maybe I should stop being a coward.

13. Putting on the Masquerade

I know that I have to move on. I don't know if I should still confront him and say that he used me and I feel...like, I still don't know how to put it. But I see that he doesn't like me in that way anymore - and probably for a long time.

So, I have ignored his calls, calls that are meaningless, asking where I am just before a lecture. I try to ignore him and talk to someone else. On MSN I have never started a conversation and I've been 'distant' by not replying in a timely manner. I try to be cold and kinda slack (because I am a horrid person). But I'm afraid of losing a friendship - although I know I just have to get over it. And really, it's my problem that I have to resovle with myself.

I know that I just need to get with someone new. Here's the catch though, I like people, but I'm unsure if they like me and those who like me, I do not like. Also, I've become a firm believer of the fact that guys should ask girls out and not the other way around. So - I'm starting to think that I'm stuck in some sort of vicious cycle. Some cycle that I recognise that I can only break.

But one thing's for sure: I've come to see that I know more people than I had actually thought at my new uni. So, that's pretty good, especially when I have someone to talk to in all classes. Just to kill the loneliness if anything. And I suppose, I just need to get out there and do something social.

12. Not a social butterfly

So, summer break is over and university in a new place has begun. All new faces, all new classes, all new days, all new weeks and an all new year.

My resolve to get me out of this is too spend a little time as I can with said person. I thought about it and it would be bad to lose his friendship, especially when he's one of the very few people that I know at this new university. Hopefully this aspect will change.

The only thing that bugs my mind and my friends is that he still sometimes offers to give me lifts home. Normally for people who live in the same area it is entirely understandable, but as I've said, we live on opposite sides of the tracks! I do mention that is is plainly out of the way, but he says that he likes driving (and to kill time), so, me being me, accepts the offer of a lift. I know I should have refused and said no, for the better of me, but a little bit of me wants him to suffer, if indeed if it was out of the way - I mean it's a lonely drive back home. So I don't know what to make of it, but if it is the act of a friend, then 'tis a good friend and perhaps one should keep.

Lately, I've gone back to my introspective self, or cynically, a hermit. I'm not a social butterfly, I'm actually quite shy and have little to talk to people about - or perhaps it's because I'm feeling this way. I'm a person who needs the other person to direct conversation, and then I'll come alive and bounce off them.

I've also pretty much decided that I'm probably only going to go for a longer-term relationship and I will be patient for that to happen. I'm a dedicated person and I have a lot to give.

11. Far from anything

I don't actually think I've really improved. I had a nice time of not crying for a while, but ended up doing so. And then I cried over how pathetic I was in being unable to just get over it.

God, I just want to end this charade soo badly. I think I just want to confront him with the fact that he used me. I don't if that's a good idea, but maybe I just want to know how he would react. And what he has to say to that. Or even the best would be some justification that he acknowleges using me. I don't know what I want. Although, I think I know that part of the problem is that I still find myself somehow still attracted to him. I think I like him too much, that in this state, if I started to hear how he's seeing another girl, I would go home and cry. I would cry because it wasn't me. I would cry because of the fact that he's all fine now and I have nothing. And I would cry at being so pathetic.

I know that he'd promised nothing. But even as a friend, I don't know if I could go on as such. He said he didn't want to wreck the friendship, but in my view, its been wrecked already. It was killed the moment that we started to fool around. I don't know if he knows he's wrecked it or hurt me. I think I would also like to know that too.

What I think I need to is too 1) Acknowledge that hoping for a relationship is a killer. 2) Give those who like me a chance and stop comparing them to him. 3) In addition to that, stop imagining what it might have been because it is not going to happen, ever. 4)Perhaps, just stop being friends. 5) Find someone who appreciates me, even as a friend and good enough not to hurt me.

God, I am soo pathetic. Hit me. I think I also have to find some new crush to crush on. I'm so bored, I want uni to start so I can meet new people. That's probably a reason as to why I can't get over this soo easily, because I have too much time to dwell on it.

He is a jerk. Jerk, jerk jerk, but he's such a nice guy.... I'm soo blinded because I still like him. I suck. Maybe being so bitter, I just him too see me out with someone that appreciates me and who I'm infatuated with. Just to show him what he missed out on. He never gave me a chance.

10. Healing in the hindsight

Being a bit better, emotionally, there was also the fact that I had to address the issue of rejection. It was a pretty full frontal piece of rejection and I think I had no previous life experiences that would have made it easier. Rejection on the basis of location was hardest. It was something that I thought would not come into play, for I know of many who do not reside close to their close ones. But it was foolish of me not to think that if a long-distance relationship was not what he wanted then of course, living on the other side of town was not an improvement.

Secondly, much of the tears were the result of me being so foolish and can't believing myself that I had been that pathetic. I cried at being so stupid. and how something so simple could reduce me to the state I was in. The consolation that I get is the experience of such should make me more resilient in such matters.

Thinking back, another lesson learnt, having other dates present themselves, is that I do agree on the philosophy of never asking a guy out. This, I would say, holds true for people around my age. I have learnt that if they cannot bother to asking you out then, they are just not that into you and you should forget about it. If you ask them out on the first date (not that I ever did with the particular guy in question), then you will never be sure of whether they like you, and I mean really like you enough to try not to hurt you.

9. Implications of the past

The thing that now irks me is the question of friendship. It is whether to be friends, or say that I feel awkward around him, or just cut him off.

Talking to many people, they vast majority (no, I lie; all) say the same along the lines of 'what a jerkface, loser, bad friend.....' etc. The question that I am trying to answer for myself is whether I should be friends or not and should I say something.

The question of friendship is important because we were friends before. And, so far, we still are. What I have at the back of my mind is what kind of 'friend' uses another friend to get over someone, especially when they knew they thought of them more as a friend and was vulnerable. For me, simply put, friends do not use friends. Yet, I don't want to lose the friendship I have - but I still can't imagine myself being happy when he finally does enter into a new relationship. In that part, I would be as a lousy friend as he was.

8. -- Interval --

I must seem pretty pathetic. Don't worry, I agree to a degree. I think I didn't know myself and this sharp dose of the real me interacting with reality has meant some really deep self discovery.

7. Shaken to the core

Actually I did cry much over being used. I think it was because it was my first foray into something substantial of guys, relationships and sexuality and it had to be that way. Two lessons learnt the hard way with much tears. The third lesson may be the fact that I am much more of an emotional person than I thought I ever was. I seem to cry in parts of movies moreso than before - it is definately because I can relate to the emotions that the characters have running through them. Actually I seem to cry at most 'sad' things nowadays.

6. There's no drought on my pillows

So I had to get over being used. That bit, was the easiest but still had me bawling my eyes out so that they became very red and puffy. But I'm still bitter (even though I know I am partly at fault) - and the only way to get over that is to get with someone I like, but the idea doesn't appeal to me fully because then I would be a user and the suffering passes on.

God, I had never cried so much - very pathetic seeing no-one promised anything. Thinking back, perhaps it hurt because I thought I could trust him, he knew I liked him and therefore vulnerable. I think something I learnt is that you don't use people who like you. By all means, yes make out with people who have a full understanding of what they are entering are 'friends with benefits' territory but don't do it with people you know who like you.

Secondly, I learnt that I was someone, who cannot give physically without forming or have an emotional attachment. Yes, tis my loss that I can't enjoy the random pash, but I think (or I hope at least) that in the right relationship, this will mean a stronger bond to whomever I end up with.

5. No man is an island

When my friends heard news of this, diminishing 'relationship', they told me that he was a jerk. He never called me, like a friend would or their uni friends would. They had cottoned on to the idea that he was pretty much had used me to get over his ex, or the lack of physicaly intimacy he could have with her. Instead of listening and being the idiot I was, I had defended him with pathetic arguements of 'no, he's not like that...' etc.. Lame huh?

Well, I got pretty distraught. Plus, on holidays overseas, they knew that they'd see each other. And I tried to get over it. I got used. I suppose the consolation was that it was enjoyable. I don't know.

4. Unravelling the yarn

I think that perhaps in the back of my head I knew that he was never going to ask me out, but yet I hoped and hope is what keeps us humans living out our day to day lives. Sorry, I remember now that he had said he could not imagine us going out. Yet I went along with everything. And I was blind to the signs.

Now I know it was pretty much a case of 'friends with benefits'. Especially after I think he got over his girlfriend. And me being the simpleton I am just kept on hoping. (God, hope can keep someone alive and it can kill at the same time). And then, the msn-ing became sparse, making out stopped and lifts home became a hassle.

3. It was so nice but now a blur

I don't know how he found out that I liked him, but I did tell him for extra good measure, I remember that and he said he knew. A uni friend who had a bit of his own dating catastrophe (an intra-group relationship gone wrong) knew about our 'feelings' and didn't undertand why two people who liked each other didn't go out.

I talked to the guy a lot. I suppose I was a good friend, being there, on msn, talking, just someone for him to talk to. I learnt that they were close, going out for a year - pretty much first loves, if you know what I mean.

And then, maybe from the intimacy I was privileged to, or from pity I took more and more of a liking to him. We ended up fooling around soon after the break up.He had been with a few girls before. He was my first. Looking back, I think that I was too infatuated to know better and not to rush things. But alas, I think I trusted him and so we went into a routine of making out after late nights when he drove me home.

2. Me in Unknown Territories

I went to an all girls school. I've never had a serious boyfriend - of course, now you're saying this is about a boy. And the answer to that is yes. But the journey that I went through, looking back was something compared to what I was before and I've learnt a few lessons the hard way and things about myself that I didn't even know.

And the story goes, I started uni/college and met this guy. I became friends with him anyway because afterall it was uni and no-one from my high school group was doing the same course as me. Then, I started liking him - which was a problem because 1) he had a girl and 2) they were having relationship trouble since they knew they inevitably had too call it off since the girl was going to uni in another country.

This bit gets blurry, either they broke up and he already had taken a 'liking' to me or took a 'liking' to me after they had broken up. (Yes, I know how guys always say girls look into things way too much but it's impossible not too).

1. About Me

Me. I'm 19, second year uni doing a pretty good course. Smart. Asian. Slim. Nice Hair, skin, boobs and legs is what people tell me. I sound a bit egotistical - well I am known to have a lot of confidence. That's usually. But lately things have been a bit different.

Why did i create this blog?
Well I've been feeling pretty pathetic and shit lately. I haven't felt like this before. I'm pretty resilient, but the past two months have been basically, in a phrase, 'life sucks'. This blog, I feel, when I just get things written down makes things seem so more petty and so I can finally get free from what I am in now.